The thing is…

I’m 20 years old going on 75… or so it seems. I’m actually turning 21 next month. I have a job, an apartment, and a decent life on my own. Something I should be more proud of I guess. I mean, I am proud of where I am in my life… but at the same time I wish I could wake up tomorrow and change everything. I always try to live by the ‘road not taken’ creed. That it is better to regret the things you do, than to regret something you didn’t. Well lately it feels as if I’m just wasting time. I’m young and if ever in my life I should throw caution to the wind, gamble with fate and blindly step foot into the great unknown, now is indeed the time to do so. Better now than later. I feel like if my life were a book, there is the beginning and end, but a vast and dull gap in between and nothing else. I want to travel, I want to write, I want to sing, I want to party, I want to be reserved, I want to be waited on, I want to wait. I want to do everything all at once. I want to do something sporadic and unexpected like buying bacon at a gas station while dressed in a pig costume. I want an escape from reality that is real. I want to be friends with many people. People who aren’t just names and faces I can ‘poke’ online, but real people who have stories to tell and souls to bear. I want, nay, I need to take action as soon as I possibly can. I feel trapped and anxious. As if my time is running thin. People have always told me not to worry about things so much as I’m young and I have my whole life ahead of me. Well if ‘my whole life’ consists of redundancies nursed by procrastination, I am not okay with this. I have some kind of desire and determination to do something amazing and bold. Trouble is, I have no clue what the hell it is exactly. I just know that this current lifestyle is not going to get me anywhere closer to satisfying that desire, whatever it may be. I don’t want to have any goals or plans. Just hopes and dreams. I want to live my life differently every single day. I guess it would be a lot easier if I was goldfish. How ironic and cruel a game played by evolution as to develop such a rich and flavorful present which longs for the simplicity of its past. But now I’m beginning to ramble.

The point of this post isn’t to really come to any conclusion or realization. Just to vent and express my current compulsion. Spring is the usual time for cleaning… I feel the intense urge to start over fresh and live my life to the fullest. That sure isn’t going to happen at $7.70/hour. :/

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