Routines… what even?

I am not someone who sticks to routines well. I wouldn’t say it’s a fear of commitment, but…. it’s a fear of commitment. I’m not sure from where this stems. Most likely, like so many other fucked issues in my head, it comes from my childhood. That’s an entirely different post for another time. But routines are just… what’s the old saying about the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. That sums it up nicely. I go absolutely bat shit when I am stuck doing the same shit for too long. It can be anything, work, school, sometimes even not cleaning the house. I know crazy right? I go off about how I hate laundry yet sometimes I just need to clean all the things. This unfortunately includes laundry, but I digress.

Wake up, go pee. Maybe poop but that usually comes when I’m in the middle of my morning… *shudders* routine. Make coffee, feed cat. Go poop if needed. This is about as much of a routine as I can handle. The rest of the day needs to be a blank canvas for me to really be happy. You’ll rarely hear me complain about being bored. There’s plenty to do online, plenty to learn. I can also play with my cats. I can work, I can blog, I can play guitar. These are all things that I can do, and minus work they aren’t things I need to do. I hate feeling like I have to do something. It’s literally one of the worst feelings to me. I hate expectations and pressure. Even when it’s pressure that I’m putting on myself mentally. I feel like I’ve grown up under the belief of if I don’t expect much out of myself, I won’t ever be disappointed in myself. That’s so not the case, but I can’t help but still feel that and behave as if it were true. I think that’s why when others have expectations about me it makes me uncomfortable. I just wish I could adapt better to this whole being and dealing with people thing. I mean, I guess I’m alright with people, I’m just not normal.

Okay, so what who’s normal, right? I don’t necessarily want to be normal, that’s boring. I guess I wish I could handle the things in life that are required of me to be able to handle. Things like work ethic and self-discipline. Maybe a little better self-esteem and confidence. I’ve come a long way but I can’t help to think that there’s more room for improvement. In any event, I can’t stand routines. They’re a necessary evil.

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