Bile, you cunt.

I’ve been having these symptoms off and on for many years. Almost 20 that I can remember. In fact it was sometime between ’98-’00 when I first remember this happening. I’ll wake up in the morning and feel sick to my stomach. Extreme nausea until I finally throw up bile. That first time way back when was barely anything but that feeling has stuck with me for years. Usually this happens in more severity the earlier I wake up. Last year it got so bad that I could not work. I have to answer the phone all day and I would have to put people on hold so I could crouch under my desk vomiting liters of bile. Sorry for that mental image, or any that may follow from this post. You saw the title and decided to read on anyway. It was devastating. After many doctor’s appointments and referrals we figured out that my gallbladder was slow.

I wanted to have it removed, but they wouldn’t do it at first. They said that just because it is slow and may be causing my symptoms that’s not a strong enough reason to go into surgery. I was so fed up with the symptoms by this point that I basically demanded they cut me open and get that thing out of there. I was told by the GI that it may indeed not cure my symptoms but help to alleviate them. I didn’t care. I just wanted to be able to wake up without wanting to die from nausea. It didn’t help that when I’d look up answers online most of the search results I got where for pregnant women. Clearly not my case. I finally got them to agree to do the surgery and a date was set. After the surgery I started to heal quite nicely. My belly button looked like Satan’s asshole for a few weeks but my slow-ass gallbladder was history.

In fact, the gallbladder had been in such rough shape that it essentially disintegrated as they were removing it, spilling bile all in my guts. Again, great imagery right? So anyway after the surgery the symptoms went away for quite some time. As of late they are back and getting bad again. Today alone I’ve thrown up twice. Each time it was just bile but it was thick. So thick it was almost orange compared to the normal greenish yellow. That can’t be good right? I know I have a fatty liver and need to change my diet and exercise more, which I am doing bit by bit, but I wish there was a clear indicator of what may be causing this. It’s so sporadic and inconsistent with any common symptoms that none of the doctors I’ve seen can give me a straight answer. Which is why I’m beginning to think it’s a physical manifestation of stress and anxiety.

I’ve been having a lot of anxiety lately. Both social anxiety and personal ‘why-am-I-even-anxious?’ anxiety. I’m currently taking Lamictal for it but I haven’t noticed any sort of change or improvement. I see the doc again on the 24th and I’m going to ask to be put on something stronger, and not just an increased dose. I’ve always been apprehensive of taking anything for anxiety which may carry with them dependency issues. But at this point I feel like Xanax or something stronger than Lamictal is worth a shot. Maybe even in trial doses or something. I just need to be able to function from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep. It’s literally like waking up and instantly feeling like you just narrowly avoided being hit by a train. Or like how you feel physically when you wake from a nightmare, but without actually having a nightmare. That plus the nausea says to me that my anxiety may be a bigger part of this bile thing, and it may be more sever anxiety than my doctors realize. Anyway here’s to hoping I can find some answers and stop throwing up so much God damned bile!

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