50 shades of melancholy

Depression, stress, and anxiety. Or as I like to call it, the spices of life. Right now I’m in a dark low spot. I’m trying my best to keep my chin up. I know it will pass. It always does. But every single time there’s a part of me that wants to feel bad. It’s like I’m torturing myself because part of me feels like I deserve it. And I probably do. I’m not proud of all the choices in my life, but who the hell is? I try to learn from the bad choices and make better ones later. The best that I can. I’m trying right now to focus my negative feelings into this blog post. I’m distracting myself from how frustrated, hungry, and sad I am. It’s kind of working. But at the same time I’m always going to be aware of just how shitty I feel deep down inside. It’s not like I can turn it off. The only time I’m able to do that is when I’m asleep. Thank god for Ambien. I really do get some of my best sleep from that little pill. And lucky enough for me I don’t suffer from any adverse side effects. For example I have not found myself sleep-cooking or sleep-mowing-the-lawn at 4 in the morning. Some people have even driven to the store and back while completely in a hypnotic, nearly asleep state. It’s quite crazy. Crazy is as crazy does. I’m quite crazy.

Do any of you ever have “invasive thoughts”? This is where you can’t help but think of some random and fucked up thoughts. Thoughts that you would really rather not think. I’d actually rather not get into it too much. It triggers that invasive thinking. It’s not fun. It’s like an endless cycle of fucked up thought after fucked up thought. It’s scary. It’s like living in a nightmare in your own head. I hate myself for thinking some of the things I cannot help but think. It’s not like they are my thoughts. They are in my head but they aren’t mine. It’s like that lyric from the Pink Floyd song ‘Brain Damage’; “There’s someone in my head but it’s not me.” I think that sums it up pretty well.

I need to get back into therapy. I’m on medications but they’re only half the battle. I need to find a good therapist that I can trust and be completely open with. That’s a struggle for me currently, and the struggle is real.

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