Suffering in Silence

Mental illness strikes again. Actually, it hasn’t stopped. It never will. It’s not something I will ever be able to look back on one day. It is with me for the long haul. Or the short haul, depending on how it all plays out. I’m in the process of establishing a relationship with yet a third psychiatrist. My first one diagnosed me with having bipolar disorder with severe depression and anxiety back around 2011. After some policy changes at that practice I had to find a new one. This second shrink helped me by getting me on Abilify. That drug has made a big difference in my stability, at least for a while. I had some bouts of severe anxiety and depression that made it impossible to perform well at my job. I went out on a medical leave of absence and filed a short-term disability claim. This second psychiatrist charges $150 for filling out disability paperwork. I’ve had to pay this fee twice. Once for a claim that got approved (thank fucking god), then once more for when I relapsed and the claim was only partially approved. I’ve nearly lost my job a couple of times because of this struggle with my mental stability. The shitty thing about it is that I know I can perform and do my job very well as I have in the past. But pressure from life’s circumstances makes me feel like I need to go back to work sooner than I probably should. Because of this, I start struggling at work again and go back out on leave. I can only imagine how horrible this looks for me in the eyes of my employer. I just want to be stable again.

I know I’ll never be happy all of the time. There’s always gonna be a yin to my yang. However, when you think about suicide on a nightly basis, something isn’t okay. That’s where I am. I’ve gone back out on leave, hoping my new psychiatrist will support my claim so I can still pay the bills while I get the right treatment. I get so lost in my head that it makes me feel like it’s not worth the trouble. That removing myself from the picture will make things better and even out in the end. I don’t necessarily want to die, I just want the constant ups and downs of life to cease. So I guess maybe I do want to die? I’m not sure. I know that a lot of people who may (or may not) be reading this will just pass it off as me being some soft, millennial, cry baby that can’t handle life’s challenges. Perhaps you’re right. The fact is that it doesn’t change how I feel. I want to be able to believe in myself but I never do for long enough of a time. I’ll be motivated as hell and be positive and “normal” one minute then contemplating methods of suicide the next. I’m taking all the medication as prescribed, and I’m in therapy. I fear that another (psychiatric) hospitalization may be in my future. Who knows, maybe the third time really is the charm. That would mean that I couldn’t finish school and will have to pay back my financial aid. However, I don’t see myself passing this semester anyway because lately I’ve had no motivation. I know this is all just excuse after excuse. I’m not trying to make excuses, I’m trying to express how I truly feel deep down inside. I’m suffering in silence and it’s gotta come to an end. I don’t know how that will be but every time I feel this way it pushes me closer and closer to an end by way of suicide. Am I seeking attention? Well yeah. I think anyone who mentions their own possible suicide is in need of attention and help. But I’m not being all emo just for the sake of it. This blog, my Facebook, Snapchat, and other social media platforms are the easiest methods for me to get this shit out of my head and into the world. I know the world doesn’t need anymore crap. But I just don’t know how much more of this feeling I can handle. It will pass, yes. However, it will return stronger than before. That’s how it always goes. I don’t know what else to do but to seek professional help. I really feel as if I won’t make it to 30… (I turn 27 this month).

I guess the whole point of this post was to vent and it has helped a bit. It’s just not enough. It’s never enough. I need something more from life, I just don’t know what.

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