Hello again WordPress. So sorry it’s been a while since I’ve posted… yet again. I’ve been busy now that I’m back at work and I haven’t had much time – or the mental capacity – for pressing words. But I’m back, for now. So what’s new with me? Well I thought you’d never ask. I’ve started to figure out a little bit more of what I will be doing for my first two years of college. I have sort of a guide map planned out. That’s something I never do. And this time is no different. My dear friend helped me pick classes from the course list of each required subject. That list is pictured below.
I think from that list I am most excited for Art Appreciation, Botany as well as Latin. I’ve always wanted to learn a new language and why not Latin? It pretty much invented other languages. That should be fun. I’m really not looking forward to Math but that’s always been the case for me. Who knows, maybe it will be easier for me now that I’m doing it because I want to. Not because I have to. College professors could care less if you want to just fuck off for the semester. It’s your money and time that’s going to be wasted, not theirs. So I think me pushing myself to do good in school is going to help me let that happen. If that makes sense. Thursday I’ll be heading to campus to have a required in-person meeting with one of the financial aid advisers. I’m thinking that I earn too much money from work to qualify for any grants. But who knows. I’m lucky in that my work offers tuition reimbursement for general education degrees so that’s significantly helpful. Especially if I don’t qualify for financial aid.
So other than school another thing that is new with me is that I’ve begun to plan my next vacation out to California. I am so lame. I always go there when I go on vacation. I’ll either travel solo to California or I take a “staycation” and stay at home and do nothing. Last time I went out there it was to visit with my ailing grandmother who has since passed away. This time it will be a much happier, lighter occasion. I’m going to be visiting my family. I hope to go for at least two weeks in October. I want to be able to spend my brother Sam’s birthday with him. Also it’s just another time of year I’ve never been out there before. I was there last November this most recent time. I actually flew back home the day of the Paris bombing. Which is also when my grandmother passed. It was like she waited until I got home safely in this crazy fucked up world. It was sad but comforting at the same time. Weird how that can work out that way.
Finally, I am going to save up for driving lessons soon. I am 26 years old and still to this day have no driving experience. I need to get on this. Blogging about it does actually help me stay motivated and focused on actually accomplishing it. But actions speak louder than words. Even pressed ones. The thought of driving makes me quite anxious. But so does a lot. Which is another thing I think I need to get a better handle on before I get behind the wheel anyway. I’ve got to make a new appointment with my doctor so we can try and find me a new medication or treatment plan for my persistent anxiety. It doesn’t always show up but oh God when it does it is bad. It can be paralyzing. Which is not good when it happens at work. But that’s another post entirely. So for now, to sum up… school, California, driving lessons, and anxiety meds… oh my!
This will be my final post while being 25 years old. That’s right folks, your valiant hero is over the hill of his 20’s as of tomorrow. Turning 26 isn’t really that big of a deal. Except that my 20’s are more than half way over now. That kind of terrifies me. I need to get into better shape this year. And get my driver’s license and start driving. Having goals that are completely obtainable is good. I have to go back to work tomorrow. It’s actually my Monday. Happy freaking birthday. But it’s a good, albeit stressful job. I like money, so I find ways to manage the stress. This is another post from my new iPhone. It’s really awesome. I’m currently listening to the album Yellow House by Grizzly Bear on Apple Music as I type out this post. Pretty good blogging music, and just for listening to in general.
My cats are at it again. They don’t see eye to eye. The little one just wants to play, as little ones do. The older one just wants to sleep all day, as I do. But it’s kind of fun watching them run around. They don’t hurt each other which is good. The other day we had to move all the furniture out of the master bedroom due to a plumbing problem. We should be getting new carpet installed today. Hopefully it’s today as I can’t work while it’s being installed. Is install the right word? Do they install carpet? Either way that’s what should be going down today. I brought it up because the cats have been sleeping on the mattress which is against the wall on its side. It’s pretty adorable. See for yourself…
And I think I’ll end the blog with Ohana here. Enjoy your Wednesday, folks!
Last week I ordered my first iPhone. I’m actually blogging from it right now. It’s the iPhone 6, 64GB space gray, unlocked. I got it for the unbeatable price of free. I have very nice perks and discounts through work so I was able to sort of stack a couple of discounts. It arrived in the mail on Wednesday the 20th. This is the second Apple product I’ve ever owned. The first is my video iPod from 2007. Still works too. Despite my current career choice I’ve never considered myself to be an Apple fanboy or anything. Still don’t either. I do love their products and I’m very happy with my job. So far this iPhone is the best smartphone I’ve had yet. But that’s not surprising when you consider the fact that all previous phones where $50 or less. Yes I know this one was free but it’s still valued at about $649.
I’m still adapting to iOS even though I have extensive training in it. It’s totally different when you’re able to get hands on. I actually am enjoying blogging from a handheld device more than I thought I would. Certainly more so than I would have from my last phone. It was an LG something or other. I like the fact that I was able to get the unlocked model. I like the flexibility that provides me. I have a prepaid service that’s only $35 a month for 4GB of data, unlimited calls and texts. I’m almost always on Wi-Fi anyways so the data rarely gets that close. Anyway I’m going to end this blog here but I’ll give you a little nugget of Siri goodness.
Lights! Camera! Action!…
are words to live by. As I sit here and type this I am listening to the incredible soundtrack to Star Wars: The Force Awakens. The legendary John Williams and his orchestra score this film, along with all the others in the saga, so perfectly. Having recently purchased The Force Awakens on Blu-ray, I have watched it a handful of times, in addition to seeing it in theaters twice. This is one of those films that apparently inspires a blogger to blog. But more than that it inspires me to become more infatuated with the idea of acting and film making in general. Ever since I was a little kid I’ve always entertained the idea of one day being an actor or director. Actually, I really wanted to be a child actor on a Disney Channel show. I believe I’ve mentioned that before on this blog. But now as my 26th birthday approaches, I can’t help but notice that this feeling has not gone away. In fact, as I’ve gotten older and exposed to more and more art in the world around me it has only gotten stronger. But what do I do with that? Blogging at 4 in the morning isn’t going to take me anywhere near a set or even an audition.
I think Sylvia Plath said it best; ‘The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.’ And boy how true that is. Probably the biggest reason I haven’t gone anywhere or done anything with this desire to act is because of my increasingly abundant supply of self-doubt and exceedingly absent self-confidence. They always say fake it ’til you make it. At first you wouldn’t think that applies to acting but when you really start to think about it, isn’t that what acting is? I mean, on the surface anyway. You’re pretending to be somebody – or something – other than yourself. It’s make-believe and we’ve all done it from an early age well into adulthood. It’s human nature to act. Old Bill was on to something. All the world really is a stage. That’s not to say that real life doesn’t exist or that there aren’t consequences to every action. But when there’s so much horribleness in the world around you, you have to put on a brave face – a mask – and push through it. It’s something you react to, just like acting. And I don’t want to come off as if I know what I’m talking about. I really don’t. Anybody reading this who may be an actor or another person of experience in the field may be able to see my naivete on the matter. And to those of you who fit this profile, I ask you to leave your wisdom in the comments. How does one best break out of their shell? How do you stop the negative thinking and pessimistic outlook on the creative endeavor? If someone has talent but no confidence do they really have talent at all? This reminds me of a Green Day lyric from the song “When I Come Around“; ‘You may find out that your self-doubt means nothing was ever there. You can’t go forcing something if it’s just not right.‘ But by the same token, Mr. Armstrong, you also can’t find out that you’re forcing it if you don’t even try it. And that’s where I am at the moment. I want to try it. I want to break out of my shell and step on stage. I’ve been on stage a few times in my life. And each time it has been an incredible feeling. I’ve never done hard drugs but I feel like being on stage or performing in anyway gives you the same high that one might have to chase from drugs. It’s exciting and sends chills down your spine. And you want that feeling to continue, so you do it again and again and again. What a healthy drug performance art can be. Art in general, really.
So I guess the point of this post is to express how I’d like to try acting. I don’t really wish to “make it” so much as I wish to just do it. (Nike, your check is in the mail). I know it’s a hard business but as a passion, as a craft it’s a labor of love. I just need to figure out how to place faith in myself and manifest the necessary gumption to go out and audition. There are many things that I must accomplish before that process can even begin. But I feel as though if there’s a will, there’s a way. My will is strong, it’s just getting the confidence to match it that’s the trick. You never know what’s out there waiting for you until you get off of your ass and make things happen for yourself. So be true to your passions and interests, folks. Don’t wait for something incredible to happen. If it’s worth your passion, it’s worth your time and effort as well. Be good out there, and break a leg!
The rain dribbled slowly down the side of the house. Michael could not sleep. The wind began to beat against the same side of the house. Michael felt like he would never be able to sleep. As the wind and the rain slowly began to quiet and eventually fall silent and still, Michael walked into the kitchen for some ice cream. He opened the freezer door and the bright blue ambient glow from the Antarctic innards of the appliance illuminated his teenage face. He reached for the container of chocolate ice cream. When his chubby fingers grasped the pint he had overestimated the level of contents. It was much lighter than he had anticipated and so the back of his hand nearly hit the shelf above. It was a stormy Tuesday night around 10:30pm. Earlier in the evening Michael had just been dumped by his girlfriend of 3 weeks. Tammy was his first girlfriend and at this moment he swore to himself she would be his last. Michael didn’t even make it back to the couch before he had the lid of the pint tossed across the counter and a spoonful of ice cream in his mouth. He was fighting back tears. His parents had gone to bed 2 hours ago. His father was a stockbroker and his mother taught kindergarten at the local elementary school. He was an only child. One of the reasons Michael dealt with his emotions through food was because he never had any brothers or sisters he could confide in. He was a bit of a loner in school. He got picked on because of his weight. It didn’t bother him at first. His father taught him that sticks and stones may break his bones but words will never hurt him. That was true until Tammy broke up with him. As he carved out the last bit of ice cream, Michael began to whimper. He threw the spoon into the sink with a loud clank. Just then his father called from the upstairs hallway on his way to the bathroom, “Mikey? Is that you? What are you still doing up, buddy?” Michael didn’t answer. Instead he wiped his eyes and trashed the empty pint of ice cream. As his father entered the kitchen he noticed the lid of the ice cream on the counter near the chopping block. “Having a late night snack?” His father’s disposition was that of a goofy uncle. Michael both loved and hated this about his father. “I just needed some chocolate.” Michael said. “Well don’t stay up too late or make yourself sick. You’ve got school in the morning. Don’t you have that big test tomorrow too?” Michael’s stomach dropped. He had forgotten all about the test ever since Tammy had destroyed him earlier in the day.
“I just can’t do this anymore, Michael. The other girls… they’ve been talking shit behind my back about us. They were my best friends for so long. And I mean look at us, do you really see us as being a fitting couple? I’m sorry, Michael. I am. But I really can’t do this.” Michael just stood there completely defeated. He couldn’t utter a single word. He just swallowed his heartache over the lump in his throat. Tammy at least had the decency to speak to him in private after school. She had always been petty and shallow. Michael knew this but he was happy to have someone actually pay attention to him for once. He had done really well in school, when he actually applied himself. He was so lazy that he hadn’t studied at all for the test. He was planning on doing it when he got home from school earlier. But Tammy had fucked that up for him. Michael grabbed the lid to the ice cream container and tossed it into the trashcan. He then went up to his room to try and forget about Tammy through a Physics textbook. “The total energy in a closed or isolated system is constant, no matter what happens.” Michael was about to finish his 9th grade year at High Pointe Middle School. His teachers all thought of him as a good kid who stayed out of trouble. His only flaw was that he was very apathetic toward school. Many kids his age were but Michael stood out as he often skipped class. His parents were aware of this. His father didn’t mind so much as he knew his son was smart and was still getting an education. His mother was furious. Teachers are like that. They just care so deeply for the betterment of the kids and the world. Michael continued to read his textbook. “Energy changes are associated with work so no work is done on a body if there is no energy change in that body.” Michael chuckled to himself, “Damn right.” His studying continued well into morning. His father had come to wake Michael up and saw him passed out with his textbook as a pillow. There was a small pool of Michael’s drool puddling in the spine of page 341.
The test had ended and Michael felt relieved. He was pretty confident in his studying the night before and the answers in which that resulted. The grades wouldn’t be posted until the following week. But that gave Michael more time to slack off and brood over Tammy. His normal after school routine was to hang out at the arcade and master his high score on a KISS pinball machine. His current high score was 35,692 points. Today he will try for 40,000 points. The all time high score on the machine was 120,000 points by someone who put their initials as ‘ASS’. Michael was convinced this was one of his classmates. It was either Jeffery from 4th period math or that biker guy who comes in every Tuesday and Friday. When he got to the arcade he saw a girl playing at the KISS machine. As Michael got quarters from the change machine he couldn’t help but stare at her long dark hair. Tammy had short, strawberry blonde hair. The girl also had on a t-shirt of Michael’s favorite band, The Strokes. He could feel his heart flutter and stomach fill with butterflies when the girl turned and made eye contact with Michael. The lights and buzzers went off on the machine as the girl began to rack up points. The display showed 28,000 points in flashing LED’s. Michael realized he had been staring the entire time and so he began to blink. The girl noticed this and giggled to herself while she blushed. She waved at Michael and blew him a kiss. Michael began to blush and sweat all at the same time. He had a flashback of Tammy’s breakup speech and instantly got the courage to walk over to the girl. 34,000 points. “Wow, you’re almost at my high score!” Michael exclaimed to the girl. “Oh yeah? Watch this!” Just then the girl started slamming the machine with her hip as Michael followed the ball darting around inside the glass window. The LED display began to exponentially increase in score. 40,000… 50,000… 85,000 points. Michael smiled at the girl and the girl smiled back. “My name’s Michael. You just more than doubled my score! How in the hell?!” The girl then said, “Here, let me show you…”
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. I mean, that’s not entirely out of the ordinary. I tend to overthink quite a bit actually. But lately I’ve been thinking about the future. I feel like a good amount of change is in my future. Change for the better. There are many things I want to do in the years following me getting my Associate’s degree. One of those things, the main one, is moving to California. Cue Led Zeppelin. I’ve always wanted to live there since I was young. This may or may not have to do with the fact that I wanted to be on The Disney Channel when I was like 10 or 11. I feel like those were the last good days of shows on Disney Channel. All the DCOM’s and original series were some of my favorite programming on TV. From Brink, to Smart House, to Lizzie McGuire and Even Stevens. I may or may not have wanted to be Shia LaBeouf back then. Actually I think I wanted more to be like Gordo from Lizzie McGuire. He was a filmmaker of sorts and that was something I really wanted to do as well. I got my first camcorder back when I was around 12. I made all kinds of weird videos. I actually still have them all on tape. I need to get a VCR so I can digitize them babies and throw them up on YouTube. I like the idea of documenting my work. Even the shit. It shows progress over a period of time.
So California. I have family out there, in Thousand Oaks and San Marcos. I hope and plan to move to San Marcos and get my own place. I’d like to attend California State University – San Marcos for my Bachelor’s degree in what I’m going to just assume will be English. But that pursuit may change in the time between now and then. My current job is a work-from-home position which allows me to re-locate to pretty much anywhere in the country. I’d like to take advantage of this as well as get the hell out of my home state of Insane… er.. I mean Florida. 26 years here is enough for me. One aspect of moving across the country that worries me is that the cost of living is significantly higher in a state like California more than many other states. My job is a good job, and I think I’d be able to afford at least a small apartment for myself. I think that would be the best thing for me while I attend school. No distractions. No roommate drama. I’ve had, and from time to time still do, my fair share of roommie drama. It’s just natural. When two differing personalities clash in close quarters. With the added pressures of college, that’s just one less thing I need.
In the time I have before I move – which I still have no set date or time frame – I have a few things I need to first accomplish here at home. The biggest one of these is learning to drive and getting my license. I’m turning 26 in 15 days. I still don’t have a driver’s license. Nor any experience behind the wheel. The prospect of learning to drive and later driving on my own both excites and terrifies me. I’ve become far too conditioned and dependent on other people to get around. That’s one of the reasons I want to go live on my own. I desperately lack a lot of independence. That’s something I feel you need to gain, especially in your 20’s. I’ll get more into the driving thing in a later post. But along with getting a license, I also want to lose weight. Apparently that’s pretty easy to do in California. But I’d like to get a head start as soon as I can find the will power. Part of that will be me being able to drive myself to the gym on a regular basis. My job has a great fitness program where they’ll pay for your gym membership. I really ought to take advantage of that.
**Technically Goofy is going camping, but I feel this will be me when I move.
Another thing I feel the necessity to accomplish pre-California is my Associate’s degree. As I’ve stated multiple times on this blog, my GoFundMe, as well as social media… I want to start college in August. That’s coming up right around the corner and I’m still figuring out my financial aid options. (Points eyes to GoFundMe links). Valencia Community College is the school I’ll be attending although I’ll be pursuing my degree online. That’s mostly due to my driving – or lack thereof – situation. I should be graduating sometime in 2018 or 2019. I’m not sure how a two year degree works when you start in the fall and graduation is in May. Either way I have plenty of time to carefully plan and save for the big move. I’m partially writing this blog post as motivation for myself to not back out on what I really would like to do for myself. Do any of you have any suggestions or tips on moving in general or more specifically to California. What are the downsides to living in SoCal? I know traffic is a big issue, as well as population. Also Earthquakes, wildfires, and expenses… oh my! And most importantly, what would you say are the upsides to the golden coast?
The days were long, the nights were longer.
What we endured it made us stronger.
From motel rooms we often pondered.
If better days would bring us laughter.
And then time came for my wings to spread.
It made you sad and stay in your bed.
It was a time that filled you with dread.
You made it through based off what you said.
And then we came together again.
With our wings clipped it looked like the end.
But it was just the beginning.
There was some tension between rooms.
Cats and birds will do what they do.
Through it all I still loved you.
Fly up high and soar thought the sky.
Everything is small with bird’s eyes.
See the world at peace and no cries.
Birds are free, they don’t tell lies.
Build your nest with twigs and tinder.
Weather storms, you are a winner.
Creative souls, we let things linger.
This bird’s song needs a backup singer.
And then we came together again.
With our wings clipped it looked like the end.
But it was just the beginning.
There was some tension between rooms.
Cats and birds will do what they do.
Through it all I still loved you.