Hurricanes, Music, and Madness

This whole working full time and going to school full time thing is exhausting to say the least. I haven’t been able to revisit this blog in some time now. I’m currently listening to some classic punk rock on Apple Music. Sheena is a punk rocker in case you didn’t know. I have a couple of math assignments due tonight by midnight. I’ll start working on them after a short 3 hour nap when I crash later on. However, I could fire up the Keurig and be a real college student and just get that shit over with. I’m beginning to think that I can’t publish a single post on this blog without referencing coffee at least once. Okay. That settles it. I’ll be right back…

That’s much better. I’m drinking some random k-cup I ordered from a Groupon deal. It’s some double-chocolate brownie flavored coffee. It’s really good. It sucks that the 100 k-cups I ordered are all non Keurig-licensed cups and so I have to sort of “hack” it in order for the machine to brew it. That’s where you cut or peel the top off of one of the licensed k-cups and place it over the top of one of the “inferior” k-cups. But enough about coffee and EULA violations.

I’ve switched the music over to the latest release by the band Against Me! as they are the supporting band on the recently announced Revolution Radio tour from Green Day. Also, I’ve never heard their music before. I’m liking what I’m hearing so far. Unfortunately, the tour does not come to Florida this time. However, plans are currently being formulated and a budget is being reviewed for the possibility of traveling to their show in Duluth, GA in March. This would be enthralling. Green Day is my favorite band and I’ve only seen them live once during their 21st Century Breakdown tour. Best concert experience of my life.

I actually pre-ordered Revolution Radio, which is the latest album from Green Day. It came in the mail finally yesterday. It was supposed to arrive the day the album was released on the 7th. However, that’s right around the time that Hurricane Matthew decided to fuck that delivery schedule all up. We fared well throughout the storm. There was no damage to the house or cars or anything. We didn’t even lose power once. It was just a windy rain storm for this part of town. It was a moot storm. That’s a great and terrible band name idea; Moot Storm. Shit! Moon Storm… now that’s a sick name. As far as Revolution Radio (#RevRad) goes, I’ll be posting a full review at some point in the near future. I’ve already listened to the album at least a dozen times. I was able to get a hold of an early leaked download of the record a while before the official release. I do not condone piracy at all. I just could not help myself, and at that point I had already purchased my copy on vinyl which comes with a digital download anyway.

 

!!!TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION, SUICIDE, AND DRUG ABUSE BELOW!!!

 

As for me, I’m doing okay right now. I mean it is 4:30 in the morning, I’ve finished that cup of coffee and my cat, Nova, is currently sitting between my back and the back of the computer chair I’m sitting in. She likes to do that quite a bit. I’m not complaining at all. She’s nice and warm on my back, and it feels lovey in a way. Cats are cool like that. Well pets in general, really. They can be therapeutic. Speaking of therapy, I will be starting that again with a new therapist in a couple weeks, if not sooner. I’m on a sort of waiting/cancellation list to get in sooner than the first of next month. As of a day or two ago I was not feeling too well. I hadn’t been feeling too well for a couple of months but I tried my best to fight it and stay strong. Sometimes you eat the bar and, sometimes the bar eats you. (If you don’t get that last reference you need to watch better movies.) Mental illness is a cunt. I have been struggling with it for years now. It hasn’t fully gone away either, and realistically it never will. I can only treat it and learn how to cope with it in healthy ways. I was recently put on Klonopin for anxiety by my psychiatrist. I have had bad experiences with this drug in the past, so it’s my fault for not being up front about it when he mentioned prescribing it. The reason I didn’t say anything is because last time I was being treated with all sorts of medicines that either didn’t work at all or only mildly helped with my conditions. This time I’m on Abilify which has been a miracle worker in terms of the bipolar depression department. My anxiety has reached an all time high and it was beginning to lower the effectiveness of the Abilify. So I asked the doc for something extra for anxiety. I figured that despite my past experience with Klonopin, that with the Abilify in tow I would be okay. Somehow I thought they would balance each other, and myself, out. Nope. Not the case at all. For me, Klonopin – or clonazepam – is a suicidal ideation-inducing medication. The last time it got to the point of me cutting myself. Not in a suicide attempt or anything. Just a self-harm thing. You know, the usual emo shit. I’ve still never had any actual contemplation of suicide and have never attempted it. I just get to this place where I kind of obsess over the idea of it and it’s just a dark, downward spiral. At first, the dosage of the Klonopin was so small that there were no noticeable effects. The doc then decided to double the dose. That’s when I began to abuse the Klonopin and mix it with my Ambien for a weird sort of I don’t know what. I’m not the party type. I don’t drink except for maybe a glass of red wine or two with a nice, fancy meal. I hate taking pills in general, even something as simple as ibuprofen. They tend to always get stuck on the back of my tongue and start to dissolve before I can wash the taste away. It’s really gross. As I was saying, I basically began to become a fuck up. Becoming a fuck up and being one are two totally different things. I’m now being proactive with my issues and am seeking help with my psychiatrist by being completely open and honest about everything. The same can be said about my new therapist. I have tried therapy before but I didn’t give it a proper chance. Mostly due to the fact that my last therapist was like a cunty older version of Edna Mode from the Incredibles. That’s not blaming my lack of effort on the therapist either. I believe that in order for therapy to work, you must have a good relationship, and good vibes with your therapist. My new one seems like someone who would be more in-tune with my personality and that’s promising. I just have yet to have my initial visit. I hope they can get me in sooner so I can get the ball rolling on this thing. The therapist is actually out right now for surgery so the appointment availability is kind of pushed back so far for a reason, but they will fill me in if there are any cancellations before my appointment.

I think that just about covers it. I’m doing alright in school, I have love and care around me, and – to quote one of my favorite new Green Day songs off of the new album – I’m still breathing. I hope that if you’ve read this far that I have not caused you to worry or stress. I’m okay right now and the future looks like it could be getting better. I just am taking it one day at a time and I appreciate everyone who is there to support me. In person or online. You are all my strength and motivation. I’ve let myself down too many times, I’m not going to let anyone else down too.

 

Peace, Love, and Rock n Roll!

So it goes…

I’ve started school now. College to be precise. You have to be really precise in college. I’ve been a bona fide college student for about 3 days now. So far, so good. I’m currently enrolled in only 3 courses. But since this is my first year of college, as well as my first year back in school in any form for many, many years, I think 3 classes is just about right. Not too much, and not little enough that leaves me disinterested. Math is a bitch. It has always been a bitch in my life. Like a school bus driver that would never put on the radio, or the lunch lady you were always afraid of. Math is to me what Mount Vesuvius was to Pompeii. A fucking time bomb. I am getting along well enough but sooner or later that shit is about to blow the fuck up. All over my face. Not good. And definitely not for sharing, Bruno. I mean, I really shouldn’t be bitching. I remember being like 10 years old and wanting to be in my 20’s and going to college. I do not know why. I guess it was a part of that ever illusive dream of being normal that I used to want so badly. But now I’ve come to realize I will never be normal and that I never really want to be. And that’s just dandy. Normal is predictable. Predictable is boring. Boring is death.

School is not boring. Not yet, anyway. I remember being in class (in middle school) and wanting to just sleep through most of, if not all of what was being taught. I’ve actually done this before. Now that I’m a little older I can only see how disrespectful it was to my teachers. But, to be fair, the Florida Department of Education never really gave a shit about me. They only cared about the school’s grade and funding. I mean I never really gave a shit, why should they? I was, and still can be from time to time, a stubborn fuck. I learned my own way. I observe, and use the internet at my advantage. I’m not trying to say I’ve figured it out or that school is for losers. On the contrary, I’ve come to learn the importance and value of school and a “proper education”. I just did not get along well with the bureaucracy of how my public schools were being run. But I digress.

College life is busy life. I’ve found myself spending breaks from work at school and vise versa. I am lucky in that I work full-time from home over the internet. I am also going to school the same way. My work schedule pretty much determines my schedule for everything else so I work in as much school time as I can. I’m doing pretty good so far, I think. I mean it is only day 3 of the whole semester. I guess what I’m getting at is that I’m trying to document my progress, early as it may be, on my blog. I know I won’t be able to blog as much with the added work load, however when I do blog I feel it will often breech the subject of school. If I get too much to talking about one thing, I apologize. But this is my blog, so fuck you at the same time.

It is 3:30 in the morning as of me writing this and while I am off the next two days, and have all of my homework finished, I should still probably try and get a good night’s sleep. I have to pick up some medication in the morning so I think it is now time for me to end this post. I will see you all next time!

The Upside Down

I know I said I would try to hold off on posting while “ambidrunk” otherwise known as under the influence of ambien. But I can’t help it. I forgot about wanting to post tonight and took the drug. I’m trying to navigate my way through my mental state that is currently turning into some Stranger Things chocolate pudding. I’m not even sure what I want to talk about in this post. I did just finish writing a song that I have been working on for a number of days now. I need to polish a bit, mainly my lackluster vocals. I’m not a singer but I try. Maybe one day I’ll get some vocal lessons or coaching. Shit is just out of the budget right now. One day. In a few days it will be my weekend again and I’ll be staying in a suite for a night to enjoy the day at Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure here in Orlando. This music that I put on to help me relax and focus so I can keep hammering out words like a contractor hammers old bent nails out of old lumber is putting me to sleep more than anything.

Holy cow you guys. I just dozed off after last sentence. I need to go to sleep so I don’t continue to dribble on about nothing. I’m sure I’ll have some trippy dreams tonight. I’ll blog them tomorrow some time. Good night everyone! I’ll see you on the upside down.

Take Your Protein Pills And Put Your Helmet On

So I… God damn it! I need to stop starting shit with “So”. I apologize. Anyway, I really need to remember to take my Ambien and get some sleep tonight. I have to work in the morning and I’m on a 4 by 10 schedule which means I’m at work for 11 hours, minus an hour for lunch. I have to push through 4 days of stress and then I get 3 days off again. That’s my life. For now. As I’ve mentioned countless times on this blog now, I will be starting going to school online in about 10 days. So those 3 days off will soon be invaded with homework and projects and things. I’m actually excited to get back into school with myself being the one pushing me through it. I never was a model student. Anti-establishment ideals and teenage angst often make for a cocktail of “Fuck you!”. Now I am going to be “The Man” that I once thought I was sticking it to. I’ll be the reason I have to get up early to attend class. I’ll be the one making the changes I need in my life. It feels good. I’m 26 and finally going to school. I never thought I would be a college student.

It’s 9:45 at night and I start work at 11 in the morning. I should be taking the Ambien in a couple of hours or less. It takes about 30 minutes or so to kick in. I’m re-watching the first season of Showtime’s Californication. I watched the show back when it came out almost 10 years ago. I only got to see the first season as I moved out and no longer had cable for a while. It’s a great series and I’m excited to see the next 6 seasons as they are available to stream on Netflix. Marathon Duchovny. That’s a pretty good way to spend limited T.V. time. I mean, I don’t really watch much T.V. as it is. But in any case I do enjoy most things I watch. I’m selective in that way. I’ve been neglecting not just this post but also this show. So I’m going to go ahead and post this and get back to watching the show. I’ll post again when I can. I’m going to be pretty busy here coming up soon. Have a good one, folks!

All I Have To Do Is Dream

Dreams are amazing. They can take you into the most incredibly detailed, and extraordinary worlds. They can also manifest pretty much any emotion imaginable. Have you ever woken up from a dream and felt angry about something that happened in the dream? It’s hard to shake that feeling for the rest of the day. You tell yourself that it was just a dream. That it holds no weight in real life. Oh but dreams totally do. Dreams are like mind movies. But we rarely have control over their direction and production. They are still mostly a mystery but science has been cracking down on finding out the true significance and potential of dreams. I have very vivid dreams quite often. This is a side effect of the Ambien I usually take to get to sleep at night. A lot of the time I will be upset when I wake up solely because a really interesting dream has ended. It is rare that I will wake up angry, but it really sucks when I do. Like I said before, it is hard to shake negative feelings throughout the day when you wake up with them. But by the same token, when you wake up after a really great dream it makes the whole day that much easier to take on and enjoy.

Funny how the mind works. It can create such beautiful art or concepts and theories, or it can create hellish nightmares and cause terror and fear. It’s the eternal yin and yang. I’ve just woken up from an interesting dream. It involved a shape-shifting room, some video games, and driving in a car smoking a hookah while simultaneously driving over the hookahs of some skater kids. Weird is an understatement. I have no idea where these images and scenarios come from, but I’m so grateful for them. How boring would it be if you had nothing interesting to think about during the day. I know a lot of people don’t have that luxury. Jobs demand focus and attention, as does school. And during the week I will be granting them both of those things. But when I have the time, I love to think, and think, and think. I really can’t help it. So when a really interesting dream comes along I love to analyze it or think of a way to make the mind movie into a real movie.

I need to start keeping a dream journal. I’m just so damn lazy when it comes to telling myself I need to do something and actually doing it. Maybe I’ll use this blog from time to time as a dream journal. I would love to make my mental visions into real ones for people to enjoy. Because dreams are random as hell and don’t really have a plot, I think it would have to be either just a collection of dreams in one sequence or something that involves traveling between dreams. That would be pretty sweet, right? A dream-hopping movie? I think Terry Gilliam would be the best director for that. I mean, have you seen The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus? That whole film is like a Dali painting come to life. I love it. That’s what I imagine a dream movie to be like. Very surreal and trippy. The imagination is an incredible place. It’s more than a place, it is a tool. A tool that we can use to craft some amazing pieces of art. It is a terrible thing to waste. Sometimes, I’m guilty of wasting mine. But it is never totally wasted. I have half-finished lyrics and poems, and plenty of paintings that line my office walls to prove it. One of these days I’ll attempt to paint something from one of those weird dreams that I have. But for now I’m awake, blogging and drinking coffee. If anything interesting comes of this I will be sure to post about it. However, life is pretty mundane overall. The dream world, that’s whats fantastic!

Oops! I did it again.

It’s 6:02 am as of me writing this. I forgot to take an Ambien and have inadvertently  stayed up all night. Again. I need to stop doing that. It can’t be healthy. I do get three days off with my work schedule the way it is… until school starts (in 10 days!). I need to keep myself up today and not take a nap. Although I know that is an exercise in futility. As long as I remember to take my Ambien later tonight I should be okay. Reset and ready for work on Saturday. I think. We’ll just see how it goes for now. I know I need to mow the lawn, front and back. I need to clean the litter boxes, all three of them. I need to finish doing dishes, make the bed, do some laundry, and vacuum. But I will probably get like two of those things done. It’s just how I roll. Living the dream. I’m getting hungry and tired. But I also have to run to the bank when it opens in like 2 and a half hours. So maybe I’ll get three things done. Who knows. But right now I’m hungry. I think I’m going to go heat up some leftover pasta. Carbs before sunrise? I so know how to adult.

Now that my spaghetti and meat sauce is warming up in the microwave, I think I’ll begin to wrap up this shorter-than-normal post. I’ll be back at some point for another thrilling installment of “Insomniac Corner”. Sleep tight, kiddies!

Stranger Than Fiction

I sometimes think I’m more of a journalist than a narrator. Don’t get me wrong, I really love creative writing. Fiction. Creating characters out of thin air and making them say and do things. I would like to hone my writing skills in this area a bit more. I have often come up with ideas that I think would make for really original, and interesting movies or television programs. But I have no idea how to fully form the ideas and adapt them for the screen. I don’t even know how to properly plot a story. I know the terms, but don’t fully grasp what they mean or their significance in great storytelling. But I can express what I’m thinking and feeling well enough. I can talk about things. I can do the things any mediocre blogger can do. But what I want to do is blow the socks off of anyone who cares enough to read my work. More than that, however, I would love to make things that I want to read or see on the big screen. I’m a little disheartened by the trend in Hollywood of making movies to make money instead of for the sake of sharing an art form. Art is such an invaluable and priceless privilege to behold. If you are lucky enough to be able to appreciate art, then you are also free enough to create it yourself. I’ve always wanted to make movies but have always struggled with believing in myself, and still do to this day. I have very low self-esteem and confidence in many areas. The few strengths I believe I do have I would love to use in order to build up my weaknesses. That’s basically what growing up is, right? I say growing up as if I’m 6 years old. I’m 26 and going on 80. Or so I feel at times. I think I’m losing my train of thought here. I’m going off the rails on a blogging train. God, that was stupid.

So I want to write for movies and T.V. and stuff. I would also enjoy having some novels published. However, there are some problems with that plan. I’m a lazy perfectionist. I procrastinate and beat myself up at the same time when whatever it is I’m trying to do doesn’t come out the exact way I see it in my head. Be that with painting, or music, or writing. I have ideas, feelings, and things to express and I have a set idea on how I’d like to express them but when the time comes and it’s not quite right I just see shit and give up. This is not healthy, but I feel this is the same with many artists and creative types. I’m hoping that school will help me down this path to being a writer or screenwriter or what have you. But I know I will need to discipline myself just as much as schooling will. Right now I’m on the precipice of the beginning of my college years. The first 2 years are all I have planned for right now. I’m going for an associate of arts degree in general studies. Basically most of, if not all of the stuff I am required to do before I can obtain a higher degree in pretty much any field of study. I have not yet decided on what I want to get my bachelor’s degree in or where I would like to attend school for said degree. It’s looking like UCF at the moment as I still don’t drive and my current school, Valencia Community College, has a transfer plan that guarantees admission to UCF. That seems like a reasonable thing to do. But that’s still 2 years away. For now, I will be focusing the time off from my full-time job on school. I’ve mentioned on the blog before about how I will be taking all of my classes online. I also work from home. So when spring break and the winter break comes rolling in I really need to get the hell out of the house for a bit. As much as I love this place, never leaving it can drive you mad. Welcome to the Hotel Groveland… You get the picture.

Who knows? Maybe one day I’ll look back on this blog and smile knowing I didn’t give up. Maybe my readers, or fans of my movies, will treasure these pre-fame posts. Not as if fame and fortune is important. It really is not. What is important is to keep making art and expressing yourself. I want to make movies for myself and my friends and family to enjoy. If other people enjoy them and want to give me money for them, okay sure. Why not, right? But that’s not what it’s about. It’s about being true to yourself and your art. You can’t paint a million dollars but you can tell a million stories. And that is worth far more to me than any studio deal could cut a check for. So now I just need to keep my nose to the grindstone with school, work really hard, and maybe I’ll get a chance to make some wonderful art.