This whole working full time and going to school full time thing is exhausting to say the least. I haven’t been able to revisit this blog in some time now. I’m currently listening to some classic punk rock on Apple Music. Sheena is a punk rocker in case you didn’t know. I have a couple of math assignments due tonight by midnight. I’ll start working on them after a short 3 hour nap when I crash later on. However, I could fire up the Keurig and be a real college student and just get that shit over with. I’m beginning to think that I can’t publish a single post on this blog without referencing coffee at least once. Okay. That settles it. I’ll be right back…
That’s much better. I’m drinking some random k-cup I ordered from a Groupon deal. It’s some double-chocolate brownie flavored coffee. It’s really good. It sucks that the 100 k-cups I ordered are all non Keurig-licensed cups and so I have to sort of “hack” it in order for the machine to brew it. That’s where you cut or peel the top off of one of the licensed k-cups and place it over the top of one of the “inferior” k-cups. But enough about coffee and EULA violations.
I’ve switched the music over to the latest release by the band Against Me! as they are the supporting band on the recently announced Revolution Radio tour from Green Day. Also, I’ve never heard their music before. I’m liking what I’m hearing so far. Unfortunately, the tour does not come to Florida this time. However, plans are currently being formulated and a budget is being reviewed for the possibility of traveling to their show in Duluth, GA in March. This would be enthralling. Green Day is my favorite band and I’ve only seen them live once during their 21st Century Breakdown tour. Best concert experience of my life.
I actually pre-ordered Revolution Radio, which is the latest album from Green Day. It came in the mail finally yesterday. It was supposed to arrive the day the album was released on the 7th. However, that’s right around the time that Hurricane Matthew decided to fuck that delivery schedule all up. We fared well throughout the storm. There was no damage to the house or cars or anything. We didn’t even lose power once. It was just a windy rain storm for this part of town. It was a moot storm. That’s a great and terrible band name idea; Moot Storm. Shit! Moon Storm… now that’s a sick name. As far as Revolution Radio (#RevRad) goes, I’ll be posting a full review at some point in the near future. I’ve already listened to the album at least a dozen times. I was able to get a hold of an early leaked download of the record a while before the official release. I do not condone piracy at all. I just could not help myself, and at that point I had already purchased my copy on vinyl which comes with a digital download anyway.
!!!TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION, SUICIDE, AND DRUG ABUSE BELOW!!!
As for me, I’m doing okay right now. I mean it is 4:30 in the morning, I’ve finished that cup of coffee and my cat, Nova, is currently sitting between my back and the back of the computer chair I’m sitting in. She likes to do that quite a bit. I’m not complaining at all. She’s nice and warm on my back, and it feels lovey in a way. Cats are cool like that. Well pets in general, really. They can be therapeutic. Speaking of therapy, I will be starting that again with a new therapist in a couple weeks, if not sooner. I’m on a sort of waiting/cancellation list to get in sooner than the first of next month. As of a day or two ago I was not feeling too well. I hadn’t been feeling too well for a couple of months but I tried my best to fight it and stay strong. Sometimes you eat the bar and, sometimes the bar eats you. (If you don’t get that last reference you need to watch better movies.) Mental illness is a cunt. I have been struggling with it for years now. It hasn’t fully gone away either, and realistically it never will. I can only treat it and learn how to cope with it in healthy ways. I was recently put on Klonopin for anxiety by my psychiatrist. I have had bad experiences with this drug in the past, so it’s my fault for not being up front about it when he mentioned prescribing it. The reason I didn’t say anything is because last time I was being treated with all sorts of medicines that either didn’t work at all or only mildly helped with my conditions. This time I’m on Abilify which has been a miracle worker in terms of the bipolar depression department. My anxiety has reached an all time high and it was beginning to lower the effectiveness of the Abilify. So I asked the doc for something extra for anxiety. I figured that despite my past experience with Klonopin, that with the Abilify in tow I would be okay. Somehow I thought they would balance each other, and myself, out. Nope. Not the case at all. For me, Klonopin – or clonazepam – is a suicidal ideation-inducing medication. The last time it got to the point of me cutting myself. Not in a suicide attempt or anything. Just a self-harm thing. You know, the usual emo shit. I’ve still never had any actual contemplation of suicide and have never attempted it. I just get to this place where I kind of obsess over the idea of it and it’s just a dark, downward spiral. At first, the dosage of the Klonopin was so small that there were no noticeable effects. The doc then decided to double the dose. That’s when I began to abuse the Klonopin and mix it with my Ambien for a weird sort of I don’t know what. I’m not the party type. I don’t drink except for maybe a glass of red wine or two with a nice, fancy meal. I hate taking pills in general, even something as simple as ibuprofen. They tend to always get stuck on the back of my tongue and start to dissolve before I can wash the taste away. It’s really gross. As I was saying, I basically began to become a fuck up. Becoming a fuck up and being one are two totally different things. I’m now being proactive with my issues and am seeking help with my psychiatrist by being completely open and honest about everything. The same can be said about my new therapist. I have tried therapy before but I didn’t give it a proper chance. Mostly due to the fact that my last therapist was like a cunty older version of Edna Mode from the Incredibles. That’s not blaming my lack of effort on the therapist either. I believe that in order for therapy to work, you must have a good relationship, and good vibes with your therapist. My new one seems like someone who would be more in-tune with my personality and that’s promising. I just have yet to have my initial visit. I hope they can get me in sooner so I can get the ball rolling on this thing. The therapist is actually out right now for surgery so the appointment availability is kind of pushed back so far for a reason, but they will fill me in if there are any cancellations before my appointment.
I think that just about covers it. I’m doing alright in school, I have love and care around me, and – to quote one of my favorite new Green Day songs off of the new album – I’m still breathing. I hope that if you’ve read this far that I have not caused you to worry or stress. I’m okay right now and the future looks like it could be getting better. I just am taking it one day at a time and I appreciate everyone who is there to support me. In person or online. You are all my strength and motivation. I’ve let myself down too many times, I’m not going to let anyone else down too.
Peace, Love, and Rock n Roll!